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Random and spontaneous probably. Shrugs.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Losing focus

I am losing focus. I am not dysfunctional, I am not hysterical yet I am losing focus.
At the end of a long day, I can't go running to you anymore. 
After having a terrible week I can't spend the weekend snuggled up to you just watching mindless TV shows. 
After being an adult the whole day dealing with crap, I don't have you to baby me anymore. 

Sometimes I wonder why must we be segregated by continents, why must we be separated by religion.

I am losing focus. You were my sanity. 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015


The first time I was fuelled by anger and hurt. It pushed me onwards with my daily life because I had to appear fine. But now the 2nd time. I feel nothing and nothing is such a dangerous thing to feel. I'm too tired for the same shit in such a short span of time. And the thing about feeling nothing is that there isn't a powerful emotion to feed off. 

I need to pick myself back up. 

Quote, unquote.

Quote. The content of the secret is sometimes less important than the fact that it was kept from you by someone you trusted. Unquote.

You were my best friend. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Twice is the magic number. 

Saturday, April 4, 2015

How do you say goodbye to your best friend?

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

The beginning of an ending

It was unintentional but you had the page open and I knew you were looking again. So that date he asked me on, I agreed. 

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

I feel very unsettled. I haven't found what I am looking for. I don't know what it is but I know I haven't found it. Everything now feels temporary like the life I'm supposed to live has not started yet. Am I the only one? 

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Going home.

My fear perhaps is that in a familiar setting, in a familiar place when our eyes meet across a sea of strangers you are but just one of them. A stranger forevermore.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The best way is to not harp on emotions. Let it pass. 

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Blank out

I did not and do not want to make a commotion out of this. Do not want the focus, attention nor the sadness that goes with this. I just want silence. Not having to know how I am suppose to react, not having to know how I am supposed to feel. I just want to be lost in my thoughts, left alone in this. I don't want to answer questions, I do not want to be comforted. But then again how else do people know how to react to news like this but to offer their well-meant condolences. Even if they try to find the right words to say, there isn't any. It is nothing personal. Just that there never is the right words to say.

I sit here within my room. Just the silent whirring of the fan and that is enough. I can feel feelings building up inside but I do not want to address them. I can feel tears swelling up but I do not want to cry them.

Things like this happens. But to everyone else. To everyone else.

Goodbye Grandpa.

Saturday, November 22, 2014


People say the most touching words are "I love you". But in all honesty, I think love is overrated. Yesterday, when I asked you if you saw me in your future plans, you said yes without a single hesitation. That meant more to me than love. 
For the longest time I was mad at you. But one simple question and I got the answer to my prayers. 

I met someone in your one year absence. What drew me to him was that he took care of me emotionally. But there was always the sore pending factor of religion and culture. There wasn't a compromise we could settle on and we both knew there wasn't an ending. We finally had a long talk about it last night and for the same question, he answered no.

For the longest time I was praying for either a miracle or a clear cut answer. 

And it was answered yesterday. 

Because in the very end despite my wants, God is always more important. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014


You know how sex has become so intertwined with relationships these days? Or even between two people who are really close? 
Instead, we set boundaries. The limits and situations that could tempt us. You were protecting me and also protecting the sanctity of sex. The way you gave me a goofy grin and made that promise then thanked me for helping you have self-control, you don't get much men like that these days.
We spent most of last night sitting across the lake looking up at the brightly lit twin towers and talked about everything. I appreciate your intelligence, your sensitivity. You weren't just listening but really listening if that makes any sense. You understood what was bothering me. You took the time to analyse the situation, my perspective and also explained from your point of view. All without me having to ask and explain. You understood how past experiences could affect current situation, you just understood without me having to force feed you or make a fuss. 
But in every perfect scenario, there's a catch. We talked about the very real struggles we both share, differences in our religions that at the same time is so similar in many ways. What we have is mutual respect and affection. But the pending sore would be that both our families probably would not be able to accept it. The very same concept of marrying within your religion. 
At the end of the night, you asked if we should label this, us. And you didn't get pissed when I told you it's a bit too soon for that. Instead you simply said, I'll ask again in two months. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside.

She glanced over and sensing her movement he turned in her direction. Heyy she whispered coyly and watched as his steel blue eyes brightened up and smile lines showed as he grinned. Hey you he affectionately whispered back, locking in her gaze and sneakily interlocked his fingers with hers.