I've been so focused on being independent and self-sufficient. So proud of my career progression at my age.
But yesterday was a huge blow.
Here I am at cross-roads. Ready yet not ready to walk away. Confused as to what God's plan is. I know weeks or months or a year from now, I would understand. But I do not understand now. And I struggle to be ok.
I struggle to maintain my integrity, I struggle to maintain a calmness. I held back my tears. Because I wanted to maintain a professional image.
I know God has plans but inside I am hurting, I am upset. I am allowed these emotions because it is a reaction but I struggle not to dwell on it. I struggle.
This morning I woke up and in my sombre state of mind, a song came to mind reminding me of God's grace.
"God will make a way,
When there seems to be no way.
He works in ways we cannot see,
He will make a way for me.
He will be my guide, hold me closely to his side.
With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way.
He will make a way"
To me the aspect of my life that God has very prominently lead the way was in my career. So,
I pray that Lord, I trust this onto you and to stop guessing your plans for me, to stop guessing why it happened. Because God, you know your plans for me. I do not.
Believing that I am an independent woman or that I have a strong willpower doesn't mean I am cynical about love. Loving my own space and enjoying doing things alone doesn't mean that I am against relationships. What a lot of people don't understand is that I look for different things in life and all I really want is to be free. I'm tired of being told my clock is ticking or things like why can't you get a guy. Stop it, I will settle when I want to. It has to be right, someone who understands that loving me is loving a free spirit. He has to love me enough to allow me to be free so that I won't feel trapped.
This year, today I celebrate this day being an independent woman backpacking around Europe on my own.
It wasn't you who changed me. I changed me. Four years ago after we broke up, I fell in love with being on my own. I fell in love with being independent and completely self-sufficient. So much that I no longer know how to be part of a pairing.
I started seeing someone recently before my solo backpacking trip. The worst part is that I didn't miss him, I only fell in love even more with the freedom of being on my own.
The best thing about having a brother is that when you're both in an anti-sociable mood yet still want someone around, you can just sit and stone together each doing your own thing without feeling uncomfortable or the need to make conversation.
This Sunday I bid goodbye to a friend of mine as we went about our usual hangout routine of ordering takeout and binge watching TV series. I didn't think I would miss our time spent together but I do. I had been so accustomed to be the one leaving people behind that it feels foreign being the one staying this time. I've always thought every parting is the same for everyone but now I know. One leaves for a new adventure while the other is left behind. This time I'm the one who's left behind.
Usually in the presence of a familiar factor like a song or a scent perhaps, it would act like a catalyst provoking a certain bittersweet nostalgic emotion. But right now I am kind of stuck in the abyss of feeling nothing. Is it normal to not be feeling anything for no specific someone? Had I became too accustomed to never venturing into a deeper emotion than "like"? Is it bad that I do no think it's a bad thing at all?