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Random and spontaneous probably. Shrugs.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Last night i lay awake looking for answers. Is falling in love worth the hassle of a relationship? I did not find my answer.

This morning I woke up to videos you had sent me overnight. I saw you smiling and I knew.
It's worth it.

Monday, May 9, 2016

And then I met you.

I loved being single.
The vast amount of my own space.
I loved the uncommitted romances.
Short term and fleeting.
I loved not being too emotionally attached to anyone.
Independent, without the vulnerability.

And then I met you.
Unannounced. Out of the blue.

And now, I hate being away from you more.
Just when I promptly backed away from the last suitor.
And I am afraid.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

I hated not having my own space. In your eagerness you consumed my time, invaded my space and tried to mark me as your territory. Your overwhelming presence, I hated it. So much that I walked away.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Surrendering

I've been so focused on being independent and self-sufficient. So proud of my career progression at my age. 

But yesterday was a huge blow. 

Here I am at cross-roads. Ready yet not ready to walk away. Confused as to what God's plan is. I know weeks or months or a year from now, I would understand. But I do not understand now. And I struggle to be ok.
I struggle to maintain my integrity, I struggle to maintain a calmness. I held back my tears. Because I wanted to maintain a professional image. 
I know God has plans but inside I am hurting, I am upset. I am allowed these emotions because it is a reaction but I struggle not to dwell on it. I struggle. 

This morning I woke up and in my sombre state of mind, a song came to mind reminding me of God's grace.

"God will make a way,
When there seems to be no way.
He works in ways we cannot see,
He will make a way for me.
He will be my guide, hold me closely to his side. 
With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way.
He will make a way"

To me the aspect of my life that God has very prominently lead the way was in my career. So,
I pray that Lord, I trust this onto you and to stop guessing your plans for me, to stop guessing why it happened. Because God, you know your plans for me. I do not.

I surrender. 

Friday, March 18, 2016

Free spirit


Believing that I am an independent woman or that I have a strong willpower doesn't mean I am cynical about love. Loving my own space and enjoying doing things alone doesn't mean that I am against relationships. What a lot of people don't understand is that I look for different things in life and all I really want is to be free. I'm tired of being told my clock is ticking or things like why can't you get a guy. Stop it, I will settle when I want to. It has to be right, someone who understands that loving me is loving a free spirit. He has to love me enough to allow me to be free so that I won't feel trapped. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

International women's day

This year, today I celebrate this day being an independent woman backpacking around Europe on my own.

It wasn't you who changed me. I changed me. Four years ago after we broke up, I fell in love with being on my own. I fell in love with being independent and completely self-sufficient. So much that I no longer know how to be part of a pairing.

I started seeing someone recently before my solo backpacking trip. The worst part is that I didn't miss him, I only fell in love even more with the freedom of being on my own.

我已经太能一个人了。

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Backdated memory

I dreamt of you last night. In it we met by chance. Perhaps it's been on my mind in the recent days because you're back.

I want to see you to see if sparks would still ignite. But fate has it that our paths once again pass in parallels. 

Friday, October 16, 2015

Sibling perks

The best thing about having a brother is that when you're both in an anti-sociable mood yet still want someone around, you can just sit and stone together each doing your own thing without feeling uncomfortable or the need to make conversation.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

When it comes back from a long vacation


Today I woke up feeling like this.
Depression never fully leaves a person.
Only on some days it's better.
On some days it's worse.
It's an on-going battle.
But sometimes it hurts to wake up.

When it comes back from a long vacation, I would counter it with change.
Change is good distraction.
The past few years change came in the form of relocating.
But you can never outrun depression.

I'm tired. Maybe it's time to stop running.
My spirit is broken.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Saying goodbye

This Sunday I bid goodbye to a friend of mine as we went about our usual hangout routine of ordering takeout and binge watching TV series. I didn't think I would miss our time spent together but I do. I had been so accustomed to be the one leaving people behind that it feels foreign being the one staying this time. I've always thought every parting is the same for everyone but now I know. One leaves for a new adventure while the other is left behind. This time I'm the one who's left behind.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Monday, July 27, 2015

Emotionless abyss

Usually in the presence of a familiar factor like a song or a scent perhaps, it would act like a catalyst provoking a certain bittersweet nostalgic emotion. But right now I am kind of stuck in the abyss of feeling nothing. Is it normal to not be feeling anything for no specific someone? Had I became too accustomed to never venturing into a deeper emotion than "like"? Is it bad that I do no think it's a bad thing at all?