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Random and spontaneous probably. Shrugs.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Going home.

My fear perhaps is that in a familiar setting, in a familiar place when our eyes meet across a sea of strangers you are but just one of them. A stranger forevermore.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The best way is to not harp on emotions. Let it pass. 

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Blank out

I did not and do not want to make a commotion out of this. Do not want the focus, attention nor the sadness that goes with this. I just want silence. Not having to know how I am suppose to react, not having to know how I am supposed to feel. I just want to be lost in my thoughts, left alone in this. I don't want to answer questions, I do not want to be comforted. But then again how else do people know how to react to news like this but to offer their well-meant condolences. Even if they try to find the right words to say, there isn't any. It is nothing personal. Just that there never is the right words to say.

I sit here within my room. Just the silent whirring of the fan and that is enough. I can feel feelings building up inside but I do not want to address them. I can feel tears swelling up but I do not want to cry them.

Things like this happens. But to everyone else. To everyone else.

Goodbye Grandpa.

Saturday, November 22, 2014


People say the most touching words are "I love you". But in all honesty, I think love is overrated. Yesterday, when I asked you if you saw me in your future plans, you said yes without a single hesitation. That meant more to me than love. 
For the longest time I was mad at you. But one simple question and I got the answer to my prayers. 

I met someone in your one year absence. What drew me to him was that he took care of me emotionally. But there was always the sore pending factor of religion and culture. There wasn't a compromise we could settle on and we both knew there wasn't an ending. We finally had a long talk about it last night and for the same question, he answered no.

For the longest time I was praying for either a miracle or a clear cut answer. 

And it was answered yesterday. 

Because in the very end despite my wants, God is always more important. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014


You know how sex has become so intertwined with relationships these days? Or even between two people who are really close? 
Instead, we set boundaries. The limits and situations that could tempt us. You were protecting me and also protecting the sanctity of sex. The way you gave me a goofy grin and made that promise then thanked me for helping you have self-control, you don't get much men like that these days.
We spent most of last night sitting across the lake looking up at the brightly lit twin towers and talked about everything. I appreciate your intelligence, your sensitivity. You weren't just listening but really listening if that makes any sense. You understood what was bothering me. You took the time to analyse the situation, my perspective and also explained from your point of view. All without me having to ask and explain. You understood how past experiences could affect current situation, you just understood without me having to force feed you or make a fuss. 
But in every perfect scenario, there's a catch. We talked about the very real struggles we both share, differences in our religions that at the same time is so similar in many ways. What we have is mutual respect and affection. But the pending sore would be that both our families probably would not be able to accept it. The very same concept of marrying within your religion. 
At the end of the night, you asked if we should label this, us. And you didn't get pissed when I told you it's a bit too soon for that. Instead you simply said, I'll ask again in two months. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside.

She glanced over and sensing her movement he turned in her direction. Heyy she whispered coyly and watched as his steel blue eyes brightened up and smile lines showed as he grinned. Hey you he affectionately whispered back, locking in her gaze and sneakily interlocked his fingers with hers. 

Monday, September 1, 2014

The Lord said "wait".

I'm not particularly a patient person. But what I'm sensing deep within my current state of turmoil and frustration is to wait. It started as a whisper now echoing throughout me. I was in the state of panic. I needed to get a car asap or figure out some form of transportation to work (the woes of relocating to kl). I ended up praying to God explaining my helplessness in this situation. And I heard the Lord say "wait". And so I will wait unto the Lord for He has always been faithful.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Not the best person.

I wasn't the best person.

I still probably am not.

Years back. I had a feisty personality. Perhaps I always will. But years back, I was also a follower. Maybe it was that awkward stage where I wanted to fit in. So I just went with the flow. It was perhaps like a cultural shock to me. The amount of bitchy-ness encountered. Big cities are like that I suppose and the course I studied had the most intense amount of bitches (mind my blunt language). The trick to survive was to go along and stay off the radar. Every few months, there would be a new person on the hate list. The bullies were perhaps the least likeable people but hey, either you bully or be bullied.

I've always felt remorseful not for something I did but rather what I didn't do. I'm not proud that I just went along with everyone, slandered with everyone and contributed to the gossip. But there was one incident that blew to great proportions. And I didn't stand up for her. I didn't know her as well as the others, after all we only met in our junior year. But I liked her. She was pleasant and perhaps that's why she didn't fit in. She was flamed and outcasted due to a group project gone sour. But what made it worse was that it didn't stop there. She dropped out in the end. She had a long-term struggle with depression (I should understand how that feels) but that did not make anyone else kinder. I didn't join in on the bullying but I did not stand up for her. I didn't let her know she had me as a friend even when the girl who was supposedly her best friend turned against her. I just stayed out of it.

That's all I did. I just stayed out of it.

Then a little more than a year ago by chance I bumped into her. We were both rushing to prior engagements so we only managed to have a quick conversation. We greeted each other like old friends, she was getting so much better after disappearing for so long and she told me she is brave enough to go back to school again. I was so proud of her.

But what bites at me till now is that I didn't take that chance to apologise to her. To tell her I am sorry for not standing up for her when she needed someone to. For not being strong enough myself.

I wasn't the best person. I still probably am not.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Remember what it was like being depressed and understand why you're happy now. Remember your reasons being irrationally anxious and understand the cause. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Tell me. It must be beautiful.

Mother said go find him if he is still that "one guy" I still think of then and now. But I said to her that he might be in a relationship now. I don't want cause any disruption to his life. I don't want to meddle if he is finally settled and happy. It reminded me of what a close childhood friend said to me. You have your right as his first love. But I responded the same way. It's all the little things that I remember now. Like picking flowers from the roadside for me. Maybe it isn't that no one else had ever done these "little things" for me but rather it had never given me the same feeling again. I had dated briefly but never something that had became as serious as what we once had, I had met different people. I had "liked" but never loved. I had covered up layer by layer the gaps when I found bits that resembled him or in rebellion completely different from him. Or maybe just dated bits and pieces of what I liked in a guy but never wholly. Perhaps I just had never met someone I felt enough for to start over again.

Perhaps you had. What is it like? To fall in love like that again? Tell me. It must be beautiful.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Sometimes to love is to give up your own selfish ambitions

For awhile now I had been contemplating on fulfilling a childhood dream of mine. It had been something that's been nagging at the back of my mind even when I was working in my previous job. My heart just never felt settled until I cross it off my checklist. Then recently the timing seemed right and the opportunity to go for an interview is coming up but the decision I had once been so sure of is swaying. It may be largely due to the most current events that had highlighted the danger and risk of the job. The selfish part of me said go and the adventurous part of me said do it. But today I saw this picture.

It is the picture of a mother (she had an uncanny resemblance to my mum) who just saw her daughter's name on the list of passengers on the Malaysian plane MH17 that had been shot down.
And I thought of my mum. I thought of my dad.

I thought of their tears.
The grief. The sorrow. And then the emptiness that would follow.

And I realised...
I can never, never put them through that.
Sometimes to love is to give up your own selfish ambitions.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Just my few cents worth of thought

A part of me is tired of drifting but at the same time not wanting to settle. Going on casual dates can be a lot of fun but it wears you out after awhile. Part of the reason I want to stay back longer is because I can completely swear off dating due to the lack of suitors here. Zero temptations. I learn to enjoy my time of solitude with the company of purely platonic friends and family. I guess there is a certain factor of narcissism in being asked out and going on dates. It's kinda reassuring in a way that you feel flattered that there are people attracted to you. But it can be an extremely unhealthy source of self-affirmation. Because you kind of leech off the attention you get from the other party. It is very short-lived and exhausting. And the highs and lows are like a roller-coaster ride. 

So I am really glad to be back. Being away from everything and through specific people I've managed to refocus on my long term goals. I've always wanted my other half to be an achiever. Someone who would keep on striving but I had forgotten my own drive. I need to prep myself to become exceptional to meet someone who is equally as outstanding or even more so that we can communicate on the same level and build each other up towards our goals. Instead of a dependant or parasitical relationship. I am not quite there yet and it's a long tedious climb up. This is becoming akin to a self-motivational talk.