I'm affected. But I do not understand by what. The post below seems like a small matter, a faded memory now. It doesn't really seem to matter anymore.

This post. Is to bid farewell.

The turmoil of that yesterday.

Many factors have been causing the slide in my mood the recent few days. For the record, I am past the stage of unstable hormones and emotions of an adolescent. I'll be twenty in October whether I like to admit it or not. Maybe its the age. On the verge of adulthood but not quite yet.

What happened that day?

Earlier on in 2009 I've mentioned in one of the posts about being selected for CDI. To paint a clearer picture, CDI is an opportunity organized by the school for students to work with actual clients. My partner, Zhi Yang and I were fortunate to be one of the final four teams.

Although in the end, the client did not carry through with their end of the deal (what the final team went through was a nightmare), the final four teams are awarded certifications of participation and paid a sum by the CDI department.

This is where the whole ordeal begin. You must understand clearly the fact that there was never a fifth chosen team. Three final teams got their certificates but my partner and I were left out. In our place was the names of another team instead. For those who have done CDI are allowed to go for the overseas internship program (OSIP). I have already accepted the fact that I will not be allowed by the school to go because I am not a Singaporean. I felt this tear at my heart. The acknowledgement of your hard work is given to someone else just like that. And my partner wondered out loud if we were even visible to them?

Letting the matter settle on our own assumptions is not really the wisest thing to do. The money didn't matter to me. The cert didn't matter to me. It was the fact that it to awarded to someone else who didn't earned it that bothered me. And I needed a reason for that.

We thought the best thing to do was to look for our course manager, that maybe she could enlighten us on the matter. But she and another lecturer who was in the office just laughed and brushed it off as nothing.

Walking along the corridor, I felt tears prick at my eyes and I tried to will them dry. I don't cry in public. I don't cry to get attention. I don't let anyone see me cry. But tears dropped and I wasn't strong enough to stop it.

We went to find the person in charge of CDI. I can not explain at all that feeling. That feeling of your heart dropping right to the ground when we found out that the names were submitted by the lecturer in charge. How? we wondered could he had completely foregone us just like that?

We called. Once, twice. Countless times. Nobody picked up. We walked around school looking for the lecturer in charge. Merely wishing for an explanation. Any form of explanation. I've never been a person of confrontations. I've always shy away from complicated matters. It may seem like a small matter from anyone's perspective, but it mattered to me. A lot.

A course mate suggested that we find the director of design school straight away. But I do not want to get the lecturer in charge in trouble or make the matter big. That moment of complete helplessness when there was nothing you could do.

Thankfully he called back and he apologized for the mix-up. He said he gave the wrong names. He looked so sad that I just had to forgive him.

Upon hearing what happened, our course mates urged us to prompt the lecturer to take back the certs from the team we were replaced with. Because frankly its not fair to us, its not fair to everyone else. I know I should speak up but I'm not quite sure I am ready for another confrontation.

Its been a couple of days and the lecturer haven't called back. And once again I wonder do we, students matter at all?

I wish I wasn't but I can't help but still feel slightly affected by the whole ordeal. Although not all Singaporeans are like that but in Singapore, unless you are exceptionally good in your field and speak English well, Malaysians are looked own upon.

I don't know why literature affects me so much. I've been reading The Pact by Jodi Picoult.

I've left fb. Just want to disappear for awhile. Until I once again find the strength to continue.

Help me fill up this feeling of emptiness.

One step of faith.

People went up but I remain fixed on the spot. I heard God asking me to go but I wondered why my feet was weighing me down. My glaze was fixed on the alter and my heart was struggling with God. When the speaker said "some of you are still struggling to take that one step of faith to come up to the alter that seems a million miles away." It was as if God was whispering come, Grace. Today, my hands were trembling and my heart was beating fast but I took that one step of faith.

Its the mere fact that I love my mum, my dad and my brother more than anything in the world and there's no way I would swap them for anything or anyone. I've heard my friends wishing to be the only child before but for me, I can never imagine being alone.

Mum called today and said she was thinking about the past. How once when I was little, I told her how hurt I feel when she still scolded or spanked me when I was crying. She said she felt sorry that she did that because she said I must had already felt very sad to be crying.

I assured her its okay because frankly it is. I know she loves me no matter what and that is enough.

My apparel design project part one just finished. It was not perfect. My actual garment is not perfect. There were small yet very important details that I failed to notice and was unable to make amends at the last minute. I feel this deep sense of disappointment. and truthfully the person who always hold the highest expectations for me is myself. And I've very much let myself down. and I know I should but it is very hard for me to just let it go. It is a struggle.

And I just wish that there's someone who could hold me and tell me its alright. Its alright.