In the middle of our conversation he reminded me to ring my father. For a moment I paused. Its odd because I used to be the one reminding the ex. Its all good because without any deliberate show on his part, I knew his family is of importance to him.

Perhaps till now I still feel a certain amount of guilt for not being able to return the feelings of a dear friend of mine. And also the others who had tried their luck. I couldn't do it. To settle down for the sake of settling down. Companionship for the sake of company. It wasn't right. There's a certain degree of perfection in my mindset of an ideal partner and perhaps that would become my biggest roadblock.

She played it over and over with the naive grin of a girl. The sound of his voice singing through her mind. 

Days before he smiled at her as she sat there rambling on. Her days had grown longer dragging on each day. I'm tired, there's nothing to look forward to she explained. Then left the conversation as that. 

She played it over and over with the naive grin of a girl. The sound of his voice singing through her mind. At the end of the recording he asked her if she felt better. 

Silently, quietly. Real men don't make a show of what they do for you. They do it on their own account without expecting something back in return. 

To you, thank you for making my day. 

Your easy going carefree attitude makes me forget for a moment everything else that's wrong and for that I thank you.

Once close.

Our conversations dwindled to an almost end not because I no longer see you as a friend but because I see you now only as a friend. From henceforth always only as a friend and never anything more. Why so. It is the mere fact that I realised I no longer believe the things you say. No, not because you're a liar. Definitely not. You don't lie. But because nothing you said had actually happened. You told me to put my confidence in you but in the end a lot are just empty words. I believe you did want it to happen, I believe you believed your own words just that you lack the ability to gauge what is possible to do and what isn't.

As our conversations dwindled to an almost end, I see you as a friend. From henceforth always only as a friend and never anything more.

The right person will come at the right time. And at the right time both people will be at the same stage. Now is not yet the time.

So he said "Gracey, you need to pick up a hobby again. Hobby not hubby." And through my tears he managed to crack a tiny smile with a half witted pun. Yes, perhaps it's time to start drawing again. 

Sometimes comfort comes in the least expected form. Sometimes comfort comes in the form of perfectly formed sentences. Sometimes comfort comes in the steady rumble of a voice. Sometimes that's enough to stop the tears.

Guitar strings and other things

As you strummed, it reminded me faintly of a distant memory. Its similar yet completely different. I no longer feel the sting, no longer feel the pain and that memory no longer has its hold on me.

I am completely clueless when it comes to music but as you play on your keyboard and other instruments, it is a feeling of familiarity. Just like home, just like growing up listening to my brother.

I enjoy listening and you, you play for the sheer joy of music :)

I'm sorry dear friend. I could not return the feelings you had towards me. 

What we have between us is a foundation that started from the comfort of friendship to trust and now slowly towards understanding. It is a beautiful journey between two people. Its been quite a period of time now, I thank you for your friendship and time.

St Bernard's four stages of love.

Understanding love.

Quoting part of the sermon today "We misunderstood love: love is understood as a skill, understood without any context in the operations of God. "Love" is cheapen  to the flatness of a synonym for "like". Love is trashed by the world; Love is abused, ruined, degraded... We can like a lot, we can like a lot a lot but there is a line between like and love."

Love is something people spend their whole life searching for. How many of us had fumbled around for so long trying to understand love but never really knowing what it is?
There was a part of the sermon today that touched on the four stages of love as described by Bernard of Clairvaux that I found particularly insightful. And I would love to share it with whoever it is that reads this.

There are four stages of love.
1. Loving one's self for one's own sake.
The first stage is the type of love most of the world is revolved around. This type of love is very individualistic, self centered and selfish. It focus on self love and self affirmation (depending on another to give "love" to feel good about yourself). But this isn't the real deal and we keep going round in circles getting hurt until we hit an all time low and realise that it doesn't work. In our desperation, we turn to God, acknowledging that we need help.

2. Love God for one's own sake.
The second stage finds us in the stage where we seek and love God because our life is a mess. It is based on the mentality of "If I want what is best for me, then I’ll love and serve the one who can do far more for me than I can do for myself." This stage is the level of spirituality of many believers and it can last a long time because we get so used to it, so comfortable with surrendering all our problems to God that we get stuck in this stage. Our love for God comes to a standstill, becoming more of a preoccupation with ourselves where we love God because we want to be loved, believe in God because we want to be saved, keep God's commandments because we want to be blessed. This stage of love is still immature as we keep calling out to God but not moving forward with God. Eventually we come to a point where we had tasted the goodness of God which brings love to the next stage.

3. Loving God for God's sake.

The third stage is when we love God but no longer for our own necessity. It is a sacrificial type of love where we love God so much that we are willing to give up everything for Him. People who are so filled with God's love have no trouble loving the people around them. This love reaches beyond the first degree of love because it enables people to reach out to the unlovable. But we tend to get so caught up in this type of love that we lose track of ourselves.

4. Loving one self for God's sake.
This is the stage where love reaches a maturity. We are no longer in the tantrum stage. We are no longer in the sacrificial stage where we give up everything thinking its the right thing to do. It is when we finally learn to accept and love ourselves for who we are in the eyes of God and that because God so loved us that he wants the best for us. It is when we are finally so secure in God's love that we are able to love ourselves.

This made me thought of something my friend said to me quite some time ago. He told me "You don't love yourself yet and you won't know how to love God if you don't love yourself." I disagreed with him because it had made no sense to me. He had described the last stage of love to me but I was ignorant then. He had not pushed it on me then and it is through incidences like this that I see a maturity in him, a type of maturity that I did not understand before.

就是被伤到这样深还能真心笑出的笑容才是最珍贵的。

Hi mum in the background. lol (I liked this picture better)