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Random and spontaneous probably. Shrugs.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

You stopped being you. And I don't know how to react to that.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Drawing

I've stopped drawing for the longest time. My drawing style had always been realistic. But there's not creativity in realism. Just ability.
I shifted myself into abstract. But I found no joy in that because my mind would draw blanks and the wondrous things I once imagined diminished. 
I went into the design industry but My emotions became depressed. And I stopped drawing altogether. There is no art in design. There is no room to breathe. And you come to despise what you once loved doing the most. 

So I left everything behind and shifted my career direction. Still in the fashion industry but no longer design. 

And without a stiffling compromise on my creativity outlet, I hope I will be able to draw again. 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Not the best person.

I wasn't the best person.

I still probably am not.

Years back. I had a feisty personality. Perhaps I always will. But years back, I was also a follower. Maybe it was that awkward stage where I wanted to fit in. So I just went with the flow. It was perhaps like a cultural shock to me. The amount of bitchy-ness encountered. Big cities are like that I suppose and the course I studied had the most intense amount of bitches (mind my blunt language). The trick to survive was to go along and stay off the radar. Every few months, there would be a new person on the hate list. The bullies were perhaps the least likeable people but hey, either you bully or be bullied.

I've always felt remorseful not for something I did but rather what I didn't do. I'm not proud that I just went along with everyone, slandered with everyone and contributed to the gossip. But there was one incident that blew to great proportions. And I didn't stand up for her. I didn't know her as well as the others, after all we only met in our junior year. But I liked her. She was pleasant and perhaps that's why she didn't fit in. She was flamed and outcasted due to a group project gone sour. But what made it worse was that it didn't stop there. She dropped out in the end. She had a long-term struggle with depression (I should understand how that feels) but that did not make anyone else kinder. I didn't join in on the bullying but I did not stand up for her. I didn't let her know she had me as a friend even when the girl who was supposedly her best friend turned against her. I just stayed out of it.

That's all I did. I just stayed out of it.

Then a little more than a year ago by chance I bumped into her. We were both rushing to prior engagements so we only managed to have a quick conversation. We greeted each other like old friends, she was getting so much better after disappearing for so long and she told me she is brave enough to go back to school again. I was so proud of her.

But what bites at me till now is that I didn't take that chance to apologise to her. To tell her I am sorry for not standing up for her when she needed someone to. For not being strong enough myself.

I wasn't the best person. I still probably am not.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Remember what it was like being depressed and understand why you're happy now. Remember your reasons being irrationally anxious and understand the cause. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Tell me. It must be beautiful.

Mother said go find him if he is still that "one guy" I still think of then and now. But I said to her that he might be in a relationship now. I don't want cause any disruption to his life. I don't want to meddle if he is finally settled and happy. It reminded me of what a close childhood friend said to me. You have your right as his first love. But I responded the same way. It's all the little things that I remember now. Like picking flowers from the roadside for me. Maybe it isn't that no one else had ever done these "little things" for me but rather it had never given me the same feeling again. I had dated briefly but never something that had became as serious as what we once had, I had met different people. I had "liked" but never loved. I had covered up layer by layer the gaps when I found bits that resembled him or in rebellion completely different from him. Or maybe just dated bits and pieces of what I liked in a guy but never wholly. Perhaps I just had never met someone I felt enough for to start over again.

Perhaps you had. What is it like? To fall in love like that again? Tell me. It must be beautiful.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Sometimes to love is to give up your own selfish ambitions

For awhile now I had been contemplating on fulfilling a childhood dream of mine. It had been something that's been nagging at the back of my mind even when I was working in my previous job. My heart just never felt settled until I cross it off my checklist. Then recently the timing seemed right and the opportunity to go for an interview is coming up but the decision I had once been so sure of is swaying. It may be largely due to the most current events that had highlighted the danger and risk of the job. The selfish part of me said go and the adventurous part of me said do it. But today I saw this picture.


It is the picture of a mother (she had an uncanny resemblance to my mum) who just saw her daughter's name on the list of passengers on the Malaysian plane MH17 that had been shot down.
And I thought of my mum. I thought of my dad.

I thought of their tears.
The grief. The sorrow. And then the emptiness that would follow.

And I realised...
I can never, never put them through that.
Sometimes to love is to give up your own selfish ambitions.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Just my few cents worth of thought

A part of me is tired of drifting but at the same time not wanting to settle. Going on casual dates can be a lot of fun but it wears you out after awhile. Part of the reason I want to stay back longer is because I can completely swear off dating due to the lack of suitors here. Zero temptations. I learn to enjoy my time of solitude with the company of purely platonic friends and family. I guess there is a certain factor of narcissism in being asked out and going on dates. It's kinda reassuring in a way that you feel flattered that there are people attracted to you. But it can be an extremely unhealthy source of self-affirmation. Because you kind of leech off the attention you get from the other party. It is very short-lived and exhausting. And the highs and lows are like a roller-coaster ride. 

So I am really glad to be back. Being away from everything and through specific people I've managed to refocus on my long term goals. I've always wanted my other half to be an achiever. Someone who would keep on striving but I had forgotten my own drive. I need to prep myself to become exceptional to meet someone who is equally as outstanding or even more so that we can communicate on the same level and build each other up towards our goals. Instead of a dependant or parasitical relationship. I am not quite there yet and it's a long tedious climb up. This is becoming akin to a self-motivational talk. 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

An act of service towards others.

We are all selfish in a way that we want others to make us happy. So instead of thinking about ourselves. We should think hey how do we make another person's day better. There's more happiness in that than wasting our time thinking "why doesn't he/she make me happy?"

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Sometimes a person matters too much that we leave first because we are afraid to be the one left behind. 

Friday, July 4, 2014

Blurred lines of caution

Being back reminds me of who I am. Of my roots, my faith. Being back helps me distance myself from unnecessary attachments. Back to the environment I grew up in helps me re-evaluate my lifestyle and social entanglements. It draws a clearer line of yes and no, a line that has become dangerously blurred. I needed this. I'm glad I'm home. 

Monday, June 30, 2014

An unlikely date.

You grinned at me dimples showing albeit cheekily. I have a thing for dimples. Almost naturally you reached over and took my hand then leaned over and kissed the top of my head. You said hold on as you hopped on over to the store next door just to grab me a bottle of water because the place we were dining at didn't serve warm water. Little chivalrous acts like these are uncommon this day and age. 

It confuses me because I do not want to become smitten. I like remaining unattached. 

Each time I will myself to put a stop to your infatuation, I see you and my resolve just evaporates. Why do you have to be so physically pleasing to the eyes. Such nice sharp facial features and that to-die-for dimples. I feel like a school girl waiting for her crush to smile. 

Saturday, June 21, 2014

The fault is mine that I let my guard slip and got more emotionally attached than permitted that it affected me.