You. I barely know you. But you make me all giggly with perhaps a slight tingle. I looked in the mirror this morning and my eyes were bright. There had been a dullness there for the longest time. You. I barely know you. Maybe it is just a moment's pass not proving to be fruitful.
But you. Yes you. I barely know you but maybe you remind me of him.
While I am still smiling, while my eyes are twinkling. I thank you for these uplifting moments be it momentary.
Never has a place worn me down so much. Give it a few more months then perhaps I will muster up the courage to get out of here. Finish up what I must first and wait for my lease to end. A two month hiatus sounds very much alluring at the moment. But there is something I want to do. Perhaps something I've always wanted to do. The timing doesn't fit quite yet though but I know there's usually another round towards the end of the year. I guess the most important part right now is to wait it out. I'm no longer as fearful of the uncertain although the instability of living as a nomard is giving me unnecessary stress. I blend in well. Living, breathing and behaving like one of them locals. But perhaps that is the factor for the drop in my spirit. It's screaming silently within me, like in a soundproof room. I'm a free spirit. I am not meant to be here behind a desk working an 8:30-6pm job. It's something I've always wanted to do but the last time round I mentioned it, it was not met with encouragement but disheartening comments from people I call friends. So I will not speak of it in order not to jinx it. See how it goes when the time comes. Perhaps yes, perhaps no.
In loving memory of a small being with such a big heart. You had such a gentle temperament and just loved us so. Always snuggling up for attention. I am lucky, so lucky that you were my kitty. Not just a pet but my companion. It's been nine years, phe. I had been living abroad for so long yet my heart grieves your passing. I am gripped with sorrow for many things that I had lacked to give you. More attention, more time, more love. These tears may be deemed irrational by some but you are worth every drop.
I started to detach myself.
To walk away from a haunting memory that was hurting me.
I started to detach myself.
To walk away from a fresh relationship that was hurting me.
I was afraid.
To let go of a memory so fond and dear to me.
And I was afraid.
To walk away from a guy that is supposed to be right just because he is a Christian.
But it set my heart free.
I started living again.
I started breathing again.
It opened me up as a person.
I started experiencing new things.
I started meeting new friends.
I started to rebuild my relationship with God.
And life started again.
I had a relationship once. That was too perfect that it scared me till a point I had to find something wrong with it. But that had gone and passed. Of the many that came knocking after, I could never quite settle down again. Because every girl has a certain way they want to be loved and I had never found that feeling again.
But now I am at that age. Although still early twenties that I am wondering if I am wrong. That I should just suck it up and be with whoever that comes along at the expense of my heart.
I'm staring blankly ahead. There are times when tears threaten to form and a million thoughts or perhaps none at all are running across my mind. I'm lost. Confused. Frustrated. I can feel the struggle inside and sometimes, most days it gets a little hard to breathe. But I pull myself up and by default go through my daily routine. Because I know how close I am to the edge of depression and I know if I slip just once it will become a habit. I am unhappy with my current situation. And I sought to change it.
Because if you can't accept it, change it. If you can't change it, leave it. Words that kept playing on repeat in my mind. Then lo and behold, an opportunity came at what I thought was the perfect timing. I was in a rush to rid myself of this current situation. I wanted a fresh start. And it was an ideal job opportunity. And because I wanted it so much I became afraid because it was all too perfect. I prayed and prayed about it, I involved the people around me to pray about it. It just felt like God had arranged everything, I was constantly praying that if this is the job God had intended for me then I will get it no matter what. The interview went so positively well.
But as the next day came. While still waiting to hear back from the HR, a burden fell only my heart and these words rang out in my mind "be patient and wait for the Lord". It tossed my thoughts into turmoil. God had brought me so far and He does not tease his people or string them along. Then the bomb was dropped on me. I landed the job I wanted but I can't have it. They didn't have enough quota to hire a foreigner.
I am thrown back into my turmoil. I am upset. I do not understand. Yet the words just stayed "be patient and wait for the Lord." I don't want to wait. I want now. I am ready to leave. But then I came across this devotional piece. "We learn some of life's greatest lessons through delayed gratification. When we rush God's plans or do things our own way, we end up defeated." I am still struggling to accept this. Still struggling to recover from this setback. But there is this clear conviction that it is the job for me just not now. I do not see it, I do not understand it. But I will when it happens and I will understand God's perfect timing. It doesn't mean I am not allowed to struggle to come to terms with it. It doesn't mean I am condemned because I am unable to accept it straight away. It does not mean I won't need time to sort out my despair and sense of hopelessness being stuck in a situation like this. But it is struggles like these that are part of the journey in God's perfect plan for me.
I am still lost. My mind is still screaming for a way out. My heart isn't there when I am working but as I slowly comprehend the situation, I start praying for a change of heart.
When the fireworks went off with a bang, or a couple of bangs if you must put it that way I pretty much proclaimed here and there that this year would be a year of self-discovery. It definitely was genuine but then in the back of my head there's this little voice that goes pffft no special effort is gonna go into it.
But then I guess way before I made that happy little statement of self-discovery, God had already decided that this girl here she's going on one hell of a journey to become who she's meant to be.
Confusion. That is the only word I can use to describe myself. My indecisive nature has caused me to sway from choices and decisions based on my emotions and feelings. It had caused confusion in my choices and decisions, damaging confusion. I was looking for lost love and perhaps company. But nothing could sit right. I lost my happiness and towards the end of the year went on a steady plunge into depression. The events of the past year had taken a huge toll on me emotionally, physically and mentally. I was finding solace in human company, drawn to stability in a person. Because it was the only comforting factor for a heart that is in turmoil.
So it is impeccable timing when one of my dearest friends passed me the devotional book she had used for the past year. Because the topic of the book shoots straight to what I am looking for. Love.
This year would concentrate on what is most important to God, love. Loving God, loving myself, and loving others. To make love the main focus of my life and do it loud, be bold about it, pursue it and seek it eagerly. Learn everything I can about genuine love which is God. To become completely whole and secure in God's love.
After all like I mentioned, this year is a year of self discovery. No resolutions just a journey.
I am not afraid because true love waits. And I've stopped searching.
2013, I sought to find happiness in the beginning of something new but what I found was only haunting memories and depression that drained me emotionally. We are often ignorant of the impact our words and actions can have on another person. Even when something does not seem wrong as long as the affect it would have on the other person is not taken into consideration, it is a selfish act.
2014, I promise myself happiness and I will never again let another trample over my emotional well-being. Let it be a year of self discovery. No resolutions just a journey.
Learn to fear regret so that you will be true to yourself and embrace your heart.
Don't lose that fighting spirit in you, Grace. Don't.
The world may tire you, your emotions may engulf you. But as weary as you are mentally, emotionally and physically. You got to recover. You got to fight back. You got to be okay again. Or you may not only lose yourself but also the people around you that cares.